Over the past couple of weeks, a tell-tale sign of potential imminent health deterioration has been rearing its disturbing head. Despite copious amounts of sleep, draining and constant fatigue has been stalking me at every turn. You wake up after nine or ten hours slumber and feel no more rested than you did when your head hit the pillow - your mind full of half-remembered shadows of unpleasant dreams. The lethargy follows you throughout the day, and you appear rather spaced-out to others, if not downright grumpy. Your concentration is impaired, of course, and both my hands are currently strewn with the evidence of multiple minor cutting/burning accidents sustained in the course of recent kitchen endeavours. You feel of use neither to man nor beast.
Now, in the last two days or so, and particularly today, I have started to feel my mood deteriorate as well. Unfocused anger, bubbling self-hatred and a general feeling of dark clouds all around.
I have just made challah dough, and it is, as I write, sitting rising in the fire-warmed living room downstairs, and still I feel no better. I feel no sense of celebration, no sense of shabbat, no electric sense of a future being born every second. Everything feels dead, and unamenable to alteration.
Thankfully, I am veritably bombarded with psychiatrically-themed medical appointments next week. For some reason, they all seem to have come together at once on this occasion. On Monday I see my Counsellor at the GP's Surgery. On Wednesday, I have a session with my Psychotherapist at the hospital, and on Thursday I have an appointment at a nearby outpatients' unit with my Supervising Psychiatrist.
It is pretty lucky that all these disparate resources should randomly coincide in this way within one week, given the way I am feeling at the moment. I will, of course, be talking to them all about my current situation and seeking further advice.
Given all this, I am not massively feeling like intimately exploring my spirituality this afternoon. Not only is it Erev Shabbat, but Pesach is almost upon us too, and so I hope that I will be in a better place very soon as this is such a uniquely thorny, tangled, difficult and potential-laden festival to explore.
In the meantime, love to all of you, hag sameach and shabbat shalom.
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