On my Facebook profile, under "Religious Views", I describe myself as a "Good Atheist Commie Jewish Girl".
I'm rather particular about epistemology, and in consequence my metaphysics tend towards the rationally thought-out. I don't believe in the existence of a literal god or gods in the sense that most people would understand it. I'm not looking for someone, or something, to spoonfeed me ready-made morality - I've made my peace with metaethical subjectivism and come through the other side without drowning in either apathy or relativism. I am inherently wary of the type of worldview that thinks in terms of "groups", of insider/outsider dynamics and of the dilution of the individual into conformity.
I am under no illusions that all of this makes me something of an unusual candidate for conversion to Reform Judaism. And if I were under any illusions, the reactions of people around me would soon have disabused me of them. Two of the people closest to me - people whom I not only love, but also respect - have voiced strong, and perhaps even deep, misgivings.
These concerns fall into two broad categories. On the one hand, there are suggestions that I am simply not qualified to set off on any path that will end with my calling myself "jew". Words become utterly useless without clear definitions, and I simply do not meet the criteria necessary to fit the definition of "jewishness". An extension of this is the implication that I am somehow deriding or insulting the jewish religion by purporting to make myself a part of it. I cannot in good conscience stretch the boundaries of language, theology and interpretation that far - far enough to bring congruence to the dual concepts of "me" and "judaism".
On the other hand, there is the idea that I am looking for something very particular and very profound in my life, and that I will, in the end, simply not find it in judaism. That this path will lead, ultimately, to deep dissatisfaction and despondency, as I try to recapture a high that is of necessity miasmic and elusive, or as I struggle to find meaning in all the wrong places.
I am certainly not convinced by the first argument. I have never been anything less than frank and honest about myself and my beliefs with anyone in the jewish community, including the rabbis I have met. I am not trying to slip under the radar under false pretences. I do not intend to lie to my sponsor, or to the Beit Din. I do not purport to speak for "judaism" in general, nor to represent it, nor to be qualified to proselytize its orthodoxy. I claim only to speak for myself. In spiritual matters, one can only ever speak for oneself.
The second point is a little more troubling, and it is something that I will have to give serious thought to. I feel, however, that only by beginning a process of conversion-oriented study, reflection and conversation will I be able to truly discern the answer, once and for all, as to whether or not this is the right path for me.
These are merely some initial thoughts - I will of course return to this and other related subjects again. Probably often.
3 comments:
Tell you what I'd like to see. Draw yourself up a little table. In the first column, list aspects of Judaism. Aspects you like as well as those you don't.
This column could have subcategories - tenets of religious Judaism (monotheism and the other main commandments); religious practices (e.g. keeping shabbat, observing high holidays, fasting); cultural practices (whatever you regard as a Jewish way of life, aside from those religious practices); festivals and life cycle events (brit milah, bar mitzvah, wedding, traditional burial) - and any other aspects of Judaism you want to list. DON'T limit these aspects to the ones you've selectively decided to focus on in your love affair with Judaism. Include the ones you don't particularly like or want in your life as well as those you do.
In the second column, just tick the items that interest or attract you about Judaism. Put crosses or leave blank the rows that you aren't interested in. Perhaps you should put big crosses next to those aspects you actually STRONGLY disagree with. Like, say, monotheism (which isn't compatible with atheism), circumcision etc.
I'm interested in seeing what you're left with: what exactly it is you're looking to buy into by converting to Judaism. Because it seems to me that identifying closely with a handful of cultural aspects of the Jewish community (a tradition of intellectual debate; strong family values; nice cuisine) doesn't mean you need to convert to the religion.
Then think: why do I need to attach myself to this system of faith and practice? Why is it not enough to appreciate what I already draw from it, in my own way? What more are you looking for?
"You are the source that you are seeking. You are in your driveway, but you are searching for your home." - Sri Sri Ravi Shankar
"I am certainly not convinced by the first argument. I have never been anything less than frank and honest about myself and my beliefs with anyone in the jewish community, including the rabbis I have met."
The first argument was in two parts, and you sneakily only deal with the second part, about deriding or insulting beliefs of fellow Jews.
The former argument is much stronger, as it is definitional rather than emotional or moral. Can an atheist who disagrees with almost all the core beliefs of religious Judaism call themselves a Jew? Would the word, defined in a way that is so broad as to fit such a person in, lose all meaning or usefulness?
I am not surprised that you have failed to deal with this argument, since you have always failed to do so.
Even prima facie the job looks impossible. Judaism is, after all, a religion (a set of beliefs in and practices of worship to a deity). Without denying that Judaism is a religion, or redefining the word "religion", you will not be able to find a definition of "Jew" that is compatible with atheism.
If you deny that Judaism is a religion, you will not be able to call yourself a religious Jew. Re-define the word "religion", and you will find the meaning far too broad and overlapping with other words.
Even if you solve this quandary, you will still be faced with re-defining what it is to be a Jew. Since you do not believe in *any* of the other (less basic) Jewish beliefs (like monotheism, covenant, messanaic prophecy, sin, sacrificial atonement, any and all scriptural commandments) - you will have to define Judaism such that it includes almost no content. Such a definition will necessarily be so broad as to include almost everything (including things that we would normally class as philosophical rather than theological) - and thus be useless.
Moreover, once this definition is complete, you will face the summary rejection of Jews who actually follow and believe in the basic tenets of Judaism (which, from now on, I will call "real Jews".)
You will thus have to find yourself a community of "fake Jews" like yourself, who have only a cultural attachment to the religion. Even then, you will not find them to your liking - since cultural attachment to judaism often involves random prejudices and strange useless religious practices and ceremonies that will be alien to you.
So the fact remains:
(a) There is no useful definition of "Jew" that can include you;
(b) Calling yourself a "Jew" will confuse real Jews, and everyone else with a proper, useful working definition of the word (i.e. everyone except you); and
(c) Attending their ceremonies and attesting their faith when you do not really hold it may insult them - in the exact same way as it has insulted people of other faiths you've pretended to be in the past.
My advice is as follows:
1. Get over yourself. It's okay to see spiritual truth in religion without trying to convert to it. You don't have to belong to a group to be cool - in fact, it's way cooler to take what is good from all beliefs without having to cram yourself into some box.
2. Get over your persecution envy. I know as a white person it can be hard to see all the other persecuted people and want a piece of the action. But you'll just attract ire by trying to muscle in on the action. Let them alone, they've been persecuted not you, they deserve the attention.
3. If all else fails, buy a Dreidel and pretend to be Jewish in the comfort of your own home, where noone has to get pissed off explaining to you why you're not really Jewish. You can even bake some Challah and affect a New York accent while holding your nose when you speak.
BTW - I have a message from the Dalai Lama:
"Why doesn't Katya pretend to be Buddhist for once?
She's now pretended to be all the Abrahamic faiths! Yet we're tolerant, accepting, happy, practice meditation which has scientifically proven results, and we're totally okay playing fast and loose with how we define ourselves. In fact, all the good celebrities pretend to be Buddhists.
Go East girl!"
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